I have found me.

My horoscope, something I check during the week and in the weekly Advocate, says the year is half over. But that isn't the important part, which is I am a pragmatic idealist. I had to look this up but there isn't much on the combo...since they are opposites, which is paradoxical, which is the title of my ad on craigslist. So where does this leave me? Wikipedia...went there to find pragmatist. Interesting stuff I identified with. Then went to allwords.com and found idealist. Interesting stuff.

idealism

noun
1. A tendency to show or present things in an ideal or idealized form rather than as they really are.
Thesaurus: romanticism, utopianism, perfectionism, humanitarianism.2. The practice of forming, and living according to, ideals.3. Impracticality.4. philos.
The theory that material objects and the external world do not really exist but are products of the mind. Compare realism.

Derivative: idealist
Someone who lives or tries to live according to ideals.
Thesaurus: dreamer, perfectionist, romantic, visionary; Antonym: realist, pragmatist.

Notice that an antonym is pragmatist.

So I went to pragmatist in allwords.com

pragmatism

noun
1. A practical matter-of-fact approach to dealing with problems, etc.
Thesaurus: realism, practicality, utilitarianism, humanism, opportunism, hard-headedness, practicalism; Antonym: idealism, romanticism.2. philos.
A school of thought that assesses the truth of concepts in terms of their practical implications.

Derivative: pragmatist

noun
Someone who deals with problems in a practical, matter-of-fact way
Thesaurus: realist, humanist, opportunist, utilitarian, empiricist, Machiavellian; Antonym: idealist, romantic.

So does this mean that I deal with ideals in a practical, matter of fact, way?

In short: YES!

'Tis the age of aquarius!

honey dawg

honey dawg barks and barks
at the world passing by
today she met a new friend
and i nearly cried

Runes for today! Wiggidity what!

The Cross spread is used to plot the arc of your life and the forces acting on it. It is the most popular spread, giving a very complete view of the situation. Gold Runes are most commonly used for questions about business, career, and property.

The left rune represents an important element of the past. Thurisaz the thorn represents barriers and senseless violence. Here we see the thorn overturned. This could mean that erected barriers will not hold, or that senseless violence can be avoided. Also, remember where thorns are found - perhaps this rune portends that a goal can be obtained easily and without interference. Grasp for the rose...

The middle rune represents a deciding element of the present. Eoh refers to the Yew tree. The Yew does not go dormant and therefore represents endurance. Even the wood of the tree is strong, resilient, and pliable - the Yew bends, but does not break. The evergreen nature of the Yew is present even in the rune itself, as it cannot be changed even by reversal. This rune is historically symbolic of death, but, as in the Tarot and as suggested by the nature of the Yew tree itself, death is seen only as a transmutation of something eternal and unchanging - the spirit.

The top rune represents a force that works for you. Hagalaz is the rune of hail. Hail is a destructive and elemental force, so one can expect this rune to represent the disruption of one's life. In the harsh northern winter there is a halt to activity, and so delay or hindrance is frequently associated with this rune. The opposite of chaos is yet more chaos, as illustrated by the fact that this rune cannot be reversed.

The bottom Rune represents a force that works against you. Man refers to Mankind and your interaction with the whole of human population. This rune is reversed, suggesting a separation from your fellow man. There is a lack of harmony in your interaction with others, either because you do not accept society or society does not accept you. Alternatively, this rune may also represent your separation from nature, and your ability to rise above the base level of being. As the rune is reversed, this may suggest an incomplete level of spiritual attainment or an intellectual block. (IRONIC HUH?!)

The right rune represents the critical element of the future, at the core of the final outcome. Ken is the rune of light and knowledge, driving away darkness and ignorance and revealing hidden truth. This rune also brings forth images of friendship and comfort. Ken is the light of inspiration, the light of imagination, and a beacon in the darkest hours. If that's my beacon of light, I'm so totally screwed.

12:59 cursing allowed

it finally hit me that you, ms. drury, did only do this because i made you. ironically i can't remember the whole pressuring you at gunpoint to click SIGN UP (*COUGH*) lol k that was bad, but i guess i sort of introduced you to blogger. so welcome to the land of comment-less drivel.

im only writing in here because you seem adamant about me writing something. honest to god, i've been a mess lately. it sort of happens without thinking, so i wonder if we just secretly want to be miserable our entire lives.

we couldn't go to the beach to the beach today. it was raining. i love the rain but not today, i need to go back to the rocks and pick my shells. if it rains tomorrow i'll cry again. i didn't go to the mall with nancy yesterday so i could babysit, so my dad could go to sam's club, so he wouldnt go today, so i could go to the beach. well nancy left without me, my dad never did go to sams club (yesterday or today) and I didn't make it to the beach.

no letter yet.

i can't talk to panda. i'm sure in his fucked up little head everything is ok. but i on the other hand just feel like i could fall out of myself right now, and my head isn't thinking straight. i wish i could purge myself somehow. which reminds me.

everyday when i walk home, well more likely every other other other day (but at least once a week), twice a month :( i see this mobile shredder. It's a big truck, I can't remember the colours right now which sucks, but anyways- it always seem so convenient, so inviting. and i usually see it by the hospital. i imagine dropping a sheet in everytime and watching it come apart in white slips from the bottom of a shredder. I'm sure it doesn't work like that. but anyways after imagining that i think how wonderful it'd be to throw myself in and just weed out all the garbage in me. fat chance.

yaz is away. im sure he's having a better time than i am or he'd be wallowing with me. i guess i'll always be left behind in the end. i won't bother coming up with a name for his website. he can kick dirt.

no letter btw. yes i know it's the second time. it's just. i said it once before and it bears repeating... NYEAOWww! lol oh god im so off right now, but i like that song so nyeh.

got "blue notes" from columbia university. the more i learn about other universities the more i hate yale for being so pretentious and 'aloof' though it's ironic when i was downtown i wanted to hug all the yalies. in contrast i hate the tart who owns that art shop i forget the name, he doesn't know anything at all. i despise the pricks who went to the german class but i'm sure they'll get into yale somehow. i just don't think ill go to yale anymore because i'm so mixed up over it. on the other hand. it's yale. it's home. it's supposed to be great but i'm tired of the archaic bullshit and this untouchable university. i don't have money anyhow. fuck it. im just stupid and bitter right now.

i didn't get my library card either. i found my id, had my two dollars, library closed on friday. which stinks ! :( but today was open went at 11 , brought mom to sign paper, closed. opened at 1, closed at 5. didn't go , mom was at store i was babysitting- tomorrow itll be closed too. i have the face by dean koontz reserved until tuesday. i have to get my card monday. finals start thursday. i have make up work. i have to find out if teachers really take attendance after finals. why does the administration bother making life miserable for everyone? if i have to go back it'll be three days of torture. i wonder if the school library will be open. doubt it. i wonder if there'll be a halfway decent teacher i can haunt. doubt that even more.

i started a painting today. a landscape. of my backyard. i did the sketch in paint. first time doing that woo. tried to do it alla prima but im restless lately so i didnt finish.

Listening to : Bitch-Republica

One dance, two parts.
free ride. to be who i want to be.
one vision.

I've been wanting to

The house is bare.

I think I am going to paint the office.

Been trying to figure out my values. www.thesimpledollar.com says that in order to figure out my finances I need to figure out my values. Here they are

Laughter
Honesty
Teaching
Togetherness
Solitude
Noise/Routine


Very contradictory.

You've been updated.

Well, it's just that. I've been here for three hours or so, logged on to this WiFi system playing and surfing online. I had been playing Endless Zombie Rampage earlier this month and got really good and really bored. Now, I'm back to my basics: Curve Ball and Redline Rumble. I've also been hanging out in the places over there <-- on the sidebar. Reddit is a pretty cool site. I should register so I can make comments.

I'm actually thinking about getting rid of the internet at home. With RC gone, much of my money will go to pay the mortgage....$1200 a month! I really don't want to sell the house. I want to wait a couple of years before selling...and buying something new. Or renting it out to someone or something. I have been thinking about that house on a lake thing. I should start to find out about one in Maine where I can dip my feet every summer. I'd love to be able to rent out my house during the summer and go to Maine. Now that RC is gone, I won't have to ask and/or wonder about other's needs. I won't have to worry about getting a place near Utica to be near the in-laws, even though I am going to miss them.

It is so funny: everything I've done, pretty much, during the past six years has been to please RC. Yes, maybe getting a dog wasn't in RC's mind but I needed a dog as a companion for the long stretch between 2:30 and 5 pm. So now, I'm on my own but tied to a house. (I really need to go to the bathroom but don't want to leave my laptop out here. Maybe I'll ask a worker dude to watch it while I go.) My friend said I could rent to Pair (sp) College of Art. Alright, I feel better. Now, the college hasn't any dorms so the students are always looking for a place to stay. This may actually work out well...I could rent the place out during the summer and then travel....now that I am free to go where I want without worrying about hurting someone's feelings or feeling that I may be hurting someone's feelings.

I'd have to really like, lock up my Stephen King collection. I am not really concerned about anything else, not even the flat screen tv. I could care less about those things. But the book collection, now there is a something I am proud of.

GMDJ asked me why I haven't written anything lately. Well, here ya go, kid. My brain dump. My diaheria. My brain storming. Crap. See, nothing but crud going on in my head. That's why I haven't written much. Actually it is nothing but crap going on in my life and it hurts to write about it. I don't want to cry in the middle of Panera Bread.

Yesterday, I had dinner here but didn't have my laptop. I had my book: The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho. I left and headed north to the Carving Tree (eventually) in Wallyworld. That wasn't my original destination but that's where I sorta ended up. Actually I ended up at my old friend's house. I used to babysit her daughter, many moons ago. Now her daughter is working in Boston making really good money. I told her everything that had happened and she was darling enough to listen. I stayed until 9 pm and then drove home.

The night before I took the dog to Krispy Kreme's in Milford. My dog has a serious sweet tooth. She ate two glazed donuts by the time we reached home. Well, so had I.

It was suspected that someone in my family had congestive heart failure. I looked it up and now I am worried a bit about myself. With CHF the heart isn't strong enough to pump blood to the extremities. This could be why my arms get numb really quickly. This makes sense since I haven't really had much exercise in the past three weeks because of my fractured foot. Stress fracture of the third metatarsal in my right foot. I did this the day of my big toe surgery having a pillow fight. Oh the good times we had, RC.

At least my relationships have been getting longer in length. The next one should be more than 6 years. Yeha!

There is a kid in here who has really great lungs and very liberal parents. Either that, or the girls on the computer have found a really annoying program and have it on a continual loop at maximum sound.

So here I am. You've been updated.

leaving

RC, whom you don't know, is leaving. That's life.

be good.

drafting in the wind

I sit in my classroom
It is Friday, 2:26 and I can hear the constant
rumble of the airconditioning.
Doors open
Children converse waiting for the bus
It is like a constant exhalation.
I wait for the room to take a breath.
For some reason sitting here is peaceful.
The light sensor does not detect my presence
Am I still here then?
This poem is pretty stupid
And trite.
What does that say about me?
Stupid, trite? Seems to be.
The stuff on my desk is three feet deep,
books, papers, things. I wonder what the mice have eaten lately.
What have I missed? The year winds
down
down
down.
I am drafting in the wind of the air conditioning unit.
The sender sends and can never receive,
William Burroughs once said, or something like that.
That's what this feels like...
The rumble never breathes in.
Perhaps I should leave.

My brother asked me today what my goal is...

And I instantly talked about work. Hmmm. This may be interesting. My goal does not include an administration job. I want to stay in the classroom forever...and ever....and ever.

Here's a pitch for my brother's site: http://cnybonsai.googlepages.com/ He is el presidente of the Central New York Bonsai association...or something like that. You can find him in the article section, under geo dome or something to that effect.

But back to my goal. I think my ultimate goal, which I was able to relay to him after some hemming and hawing, is to have a cabin on a lake in the woods far away from the world. I've had this goal for a very long time and I am no where near realizing that goal. I have a house and a small yard and a pond, which I dug the hole for myself. The small pond I guess is symbolic for the larger lake that I wish I could have.

Each year getting away from it all means going further and further away. Everyone wants to get away from it all. New Hampshire used to be where all the Bostonians would go. Now it is the Northern Kingdom and Katadhin (check spelling). Soon it will be Newfoundland and Prince Edward Island, which I think it already might be.

My brother also asked me if I were still writing. I said that I've been trying to keep this blog and curriculum writing. So basically, no. He means creative writing, stories and poetry. I told him that my creativity goes into my classroom. I told him about some of the great things I've been doing with my students.

I don't even know why I am keeping this blog. I don't think many people know why they blog. I think now I am breaking blogging rules...by putting too many topics into one entry. But I think that this is just supposed to be a web log. A log of my thoughts. And they are pretty random. I think someone needs to come and please edit me.

My brother also said that the googlepages might now be blocked at school. I'll have to try tomorrow.

Tomorrow I give out the students second to last paper. I need to find a way to bring their work home to scan it. Or something. I may ask them to submit to me one piece of writing that they wish their sophomore teacher to see. And I may drop the hint that I may be teaching them next year.....duhndundunda.

Comments...

I want them! Well, that would mean people were reading this blog and I don't know about that. I guess that is how daily kos and wonkette really got going...they wanted comments. They wanted responses from people so they set up there posts to be "something interesting" to get people to respond.

Meaning making. Hmmm.

My dog is afraid of bottle rockets and other forms of fireworks. She is huddled into a corner surrounded by things so that the bottle rockets won't get her. I don't know if it were the kids next door shooting them off or what. This is a picture of my dog companion, Honey, when she is not afraid of bottle rockets.

I remember when I lived on Franklin Street in Wallingford and we had bottle rockets. We put one on the street, facing up hill, lit it and watched it fly up and hit a neighbors house. That was pretty cool.

Thirty-five total days until the end of school. What am I going to do with my summer? I need to hire a landscaper to help me with my yard. I need to plant my garden this weekend.

I think I've gone on too long now. Many of the blogs I've seen in my life time (count them: 5) are these short short paragraph-like things.

ella

rhymes with stella and fella and sella...seller...cellar...stellar....gabriellar... margarita...rita...pita...pitar...

the book i am reading now has a main character named pilar. i had a student named pilar once. she was very nice...quiet type. shy. just like the character in the book.

but that's not what i wanted to write about today. well. maybe.

i need to come up with the final reflection for the students. i, being "the teacher," need to look at the whole picture thing. i also need to look at the whole curriculum thing.

teaching the 5th class is cramping my style but it's better than trying to get everything together for the other classes and worrying about them.

which reminds me...

(i hope you don't hate cuz i'm using lazy spelling...i actually hate it too and am just doing it to get a rise.)

this is a first.

Ok well first off let me start by saying that I absolutely hate my first name sometimes, but I don't think going by my middle all the time would be an accurate handle. Using my full name is a form of political correctness but I'll let it slide seeing as how this is just a blog. ( nerf!) Well anyways, if you haven't noticed yet I prefer writing in the smaller font, blogger has this warped idea that normal text should reach tip to knuckle. To annoy 'the teacher' I've written in especially tiny font. yay! if I wanted to be especially cruel, everything would be in green but hey- I have a heart. I don't exactly know what to write in here since it's not my own but whatever. we'll see.

Stephen King

The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.


My newest tattoo.

-nofusion 5/22/-7

I cannot believe that it is almost June. And I am sitting here with nothing in front of me. And yet my desk is full of work to assess, and I have so much going on and not going on- if that makes sense. I go home and watch T.V. Humans cycle- up and down no matter who they are. A least sitting here I can hear the narrator in my head. So the drugs must be wearing off. Ive had the urge to do things but my foot. . . So I am kinda stuck myself.

My current favorite author

Paulo Coelho is currently my favorite author. His work really inspires me to write and to think about things differently. I just finished “The Devil and Miss Prym” and have found myself thinking about the current state of affairs in the world. Before I go into that I would like to list a few of my favorite quotes.

“I’m a man who has experienced things that most people never dream of, and who went beyond all the usual limits in his search for both pleasure and knowledge. A man who found paradise when he thought he was a prisoner to the hell of routine and family, and who found hell when he could at last enjoy paradise and total freedom.” 14

“As I told you when we first me, the story of one man is the story of all men.” 69

Talking about going to heaven and not being allowed to bring his dog and horse in for a drink from a fountain…The traveler finds another place that lets him in and he asks about the other Heaven: “’That’s not Heaven, that’s Hell.’ The traveler was puzzled…[The man continued]’On the contrary, they do us a great favor, because the ones who stay there are those who have proved themselves capable of abandoning their dearest friends.’” 99

The priests refuse the bishop’s generosity of filling their water cups. One priest obliges and has the bishop refill his cup. The priests chastise him for making the bishop work. The bishop hears this and says, “You, who think you are holy men, were not humble enough to receive and so denied me the pleasure of giving. Only this man allowed Good to be made manifest.” 148

Talking about paradise: “You’re mistaken, Father. You were in paradise, but you didn’t recognize it. It’s the same with most people in this world: they seek suffering in the most joyous of places because they think they are unworthy of happiness.” 178

“The story of one person is the story of all humanity.” 195

Alive

Am so alive now. Woke up. Been so quiet lately. But now everything is alive.

I have this urge.....

I have this urge to write about my classroom, but I fear that this would be a bad idea.

I used to think that I would write during the summer. I haven't felt the urge to write for a while. Sometimes I get the crinkle of a nudge. But nothing has been produced.

Please welcome my new author, Gabriela. I hope you really enjoy her work. She is brilliant.

Hunger

Even if I were to tell you that I am multi-tasking while doing this you would probably believe me because this is a disjointed rambling and it is quite recognizable as my first post as a blogger.

I am watching Youtube, Tv and doing this right now. The thing that is interesting is that I am watching What's My Line ....Salvador Dali. This is quite interesting.

I possibly have a stress fracture in my foot. This really sucks.

So, here it is. My first blog.

I was on themestream.com a long time ago. Haven't internet published since it went under. I'll try to get some stuff up.