12:59 cursing allowed

it finally hit me that you, ms. drury, did only do this because i made you. ironically i can't remember the whole pressuring you at gunpoint to click SIGN UP (*COUGH*) lol k that was bad, but i guess i sort of introduced you to blogger. so welcome to the land of comment-less drivel.

im only writing in here because you seem adamant about me writing something. honest to god, i've been a mess lately. it sort of happens without thinking, so i wonder if we just secretly want to be miserable our entire lives.

we couldn't go to the beach to the beach today. it was raining. i love the rain but not today, i need to go back to the rocks and pick my shells. if it rains tomorrow i'll cry again. i didn't go to the mall with nancy yesterday so i could babysit, so my dad could go to sam's club, so he wouldnt go today, so i could go to the beach. well nancy left without me, my dad never did go to sams club (yesterday or today) and I didn't make it to the beach.

no letter yet.

i can't talk to panda. i'm sure in his fucked up little head everything is ok. but i on the other hand just feel like i could fall out of myself right now, and my head isn't thinking straight. i wish i could purge myself somehow. which reminds me.

everyday when i walk home, well more likely every other other other day (but at least once a week), twice a month :( i see this mobile shredder. It's a big truck, I can't remember the colours right now which sucks, but anyways- it always seem so convenient, so inviting. and i usually see it by the hospital. i imagine dropping a sheet in everytime and watching it come apart in white slips from the bottom of a shredder. I'm sure it doesn't work like that. but anyways after imagining that i think how wonderful it'd be to throw myself in and just weed out all the garbage in me. fat chance.

yaz is away. im sure he's having a better time than i am or he'd be wallowing with me. i guess i'll always be left behind in the end. i won't bother coming up with a name for his website. he can kick dirt.

no letter btw. yes i know it's the second time. it's just. i said it once before and it bears repeating... NYEAOWww! lol oh god im so off right now, but i like that song so nyeh.

got "blue notes" from columbia university. the more i learn about other universities the more i hate yale for being so pretentious and 'aloof' though it's ironic when i was downtown i wanted to hug all the yalies. in contrast i hate the tart who owns that art shop i forget the name, he doesn't know anything at all. i despise the pricks who went to the german class but i'm sure they'll get into yale somehow. i just don't think ill go to yale anymore because i'm so mixed up over it. on the other hand. it's yale. it's home. it's supposed to be great but i'm tired of the archaic bullshit and this untouchable university. i don't have money anyhow. fuck it. im just stupid and bitter right now.

i didn't get my library card either. i found my id, had my two dollars, library closed on friday. which stinks ! :( but today was open went at 11 , brought mom to sign paper, closed. opened at 1, closed at 5. didn't go , mom was at store i was babysitting- tomorrow itll be closed too. i have the face by dean koontz reserved until tuesday. i have to get my card monday. finals start thursday. i have make up work. i have to find out if teachers really take attendance after finals. why does the administration bother making life miserable for everyone? if i have to go back it'll be three days of torture. i wonder if the school library will be open. doubt it. i wonder if there'll be a halfway decent teacher i can haunt. doubt that even more.

i started a painting today. a landscape. of my backyard. i did the sketch in paint. first time doing that woo. tried to do it alla prima but im restless lately so i didnt finish.

Listening to : Bitch-Republica

One dance, two parts.
free ride. to be who i want to be.
one vision.